Bye Bye Dad

Death is a funny thing isn’t it? No matter how many times it happens, you never feel prepared for it. There’s no muscle memory to it. It’s different every time, yet all the same. Your brain can never seem to fully comprehend it. It’s like one second you were laughing with that person and hugging them, and the next they are just gone. Poof. You can’t see them anymore. And your brain can’t seem to make sense of it. It just slowly starts being used to not seeing them and creating a new normal reality. One that doesn’t involve them. And you try to stop it. You think that if you continue to feel the pain then that must mean that you can’t get too far from a life without them. Then the next thing you know, one month has gone by. Then 3 years. And your life looks completely different than when you knew them. And now they aren’t apart of your life.

My dad died one month ago. And I’m well versed in death. All within one year 7 friends/ peers died. 2 of them were really close friends, one was even my best friend. Then close to the year anniversary of my first friend dying, my mom died. Now 3 and a half years later my dad died. And I don’t know what to do. I thought I knew how this worked but it’s all completely different but the feelings are the same. Kind of.

Let me give you some context. My dad took his life. We were close again but for a while we weren’t. If you read my previous blog you would’ve understood the complex relationship with my parents and I. They were amazing awesome and I loved them, but they were toxic and I didn’t grow up in a healthy environment. That being said, after my mom died, things with my dad got worse before they got better, but they did get better. We were actually really close this past year. We both started to be way more affirmative to each other. I would open up to him and call him crying. He came to visit Belgium. We had so much fun. He was happy. He was loved. Small things would overwhelm him, so the travel to Belgium was really stressful and hard for him. But in the end he was really glad he made the trip out. We got to really connect. That was my last time seeing him.

Now suicide is a tricky death. Because you want to blame yourself. This is a natural thing with any death, you try to find someone to blame. But with suicide it’s a unique experience because its very plausible there is something more you could’ve done. The only difference is it would’ve delayed it a little. But not fully stopped it. And it also is hard because you get mad at them. Because it was their choice to leave you. Nevermind their reasonings, whether they thought you were better off without them or some other nonsense that is never true. You get mad that they couldn’t love you enough to stay. All logic and knowledge goes out the door when emotions come in. I KNOW my dad loved me but I FEEL like it couldn’t be enough because otherwise he would’ve stayed with me. He should’ve seen how hard it would be for me. Even if he thinks I would be fine. Then comes the sadness. What would he be experiencing to feel that hopeless and worthless? He was all alone. My heart breaks for him. I feel bad that he felt such despair. I just wish I could’ve been there with him at that moment and given him another option.

Now comes the anger at God.

God how could you do this? How could you not be there for him? How could you abandon him in his weakest moment? What was the point of all those hours prayer, if you were just going to ignore them? How could you do that to ME? You were supposed to save him from it . You were supposed to cause a miracle to happen. My faith was supposed to account for something. Why would you allow this to happen again? You have the power to intervene so why don’t you? This is number 8, why again? Why do you want me to keep experiencing this? (Then people would say, “But He doesn’t, He’s grieving with you) I DON’T CARE. If He felt sad then He should’ve stopped it. He’s the only one with the power to. And yeah I get it blah blah blah free agency and then He would just stop every bad thing that happened. Why do bad things happen to good people and all that? Again I DON’T CARE. That’s part of it. The anger at God. The one you trusted most. The one who broke your trust. Right now I feel betrayed by God. I know I will get past this because I have before and I still love God. I still believe in Him. But I have to relearn how to trust him. He’s my Father and he didn’t protect me. He let me come to harm again. And he knew my heart for my dad. How hard I fought for him. How much I was willing to sacrifice for him. How much I loved him. How he was the only parent I had left and how much I needed him. I needed him. I wanted him. I wanted him to meet my kids and see my future. I wanted to take care of him and do life with him. I wanted him to experience real joy. I wanted him to experience true love. Sacrificial, selfless love. With no expectations or exceptions to that love. I wanted him to feel God’s love. He died thinking God didn’t love him. Like he wasn’t worthy of it. And I’m so so mad at God for that. How could he do that? UGH. Okay moving on.

Now it’s been a month. But it feels like I just found out a week ago. How does time move like that? I don’t know? But I would like it to stop. I dont want it to keep going. I want it to freeze for just a little. Just so I have time before it gets further and further away from when he was in my life. So I have time to sit and process and BREATHE before life moves on again. Before the next bad thing happens again. But that’s life. And that’s part of it. Finding the beauty in the grief and the chaos. I thought I was the champion of that. I used to be. But I dont want to be right now. This isn’t a very uplifting blog, but its not supposed to be. This is where im at right now, and later I might share all that I’ve learned and how I’ve grown but not right now. Right now I’m stuck. And I don’t want to move on. So if you know anything about grief I hope you get it. And if you dont know anything about grief THANK GOD. For real, I know it’s inevitable but I hope you can go as long as possible before you have to know this pain. I love you all see you in a couple months.

-PJ