Growing up
I think we can all agree on small moments that make us miss our parents. Whether we just moved out or we lost them. For me, one of those small moments is whenever I’m sick. I just want them there to take care of me. Being sick as an adult sucks. I miss the cuddles from my parents and them just making everything better. Anytime I would get a headache my dad would massage my head until it went away or I fell asleep.
Moving out is so fun. But what they don’t tell you is how lonely it is. I moved to Belgium from the United States about a year ago. And I’ve learned and grown and met so many amazing people. But I still feel so lonely. I have friends out here and they are amazing, but I don’t get to see them all the time. It’s not like back home where you have your big friend group that you see practically everyday. I live in a college town which means people are only here for a little and then they leave. So none of my friends live here. I miss having enough friends to host dinners. Like this fall I want to do a cute themed fall dinner. But guess what. I don’t have friends to do that with ahahha.
To be loved is to be known. And I don’t feel known. And that makes my heart really miss my mom and dad. They knew me. Not just the me I am now, every person I’ve been up until now. They watched me grow up. They knew what I needed before I even knew. They loved me even when I wouldn’t give them anything in return. It’s odd being in a place where everyone only knows one version of you. And for me it’s the version that is married, lives abroad, doesn’t have many friends. But they don’t know the me from a year and a half ago. I saw a video where is says they cant wait to go back to the states to get their personality back. And I can agree. What they meant is like all the little things that gets lost with the language. Back home I would talk to cashiers or random people, but here I can’t really do that. And idk I feel like I’m not fully myself. Like my friends aren’t seeing the full me here. It’s almost like I’m muted and I don’t know why.
This isn’t to say I don’t love it here. It’s just a different perspective. For those who want to run away or have dreamed of living abroad, it is amazing but it’s also extremely hard. Now, my heart is in 2 places. While I’m here there are part of the states that I miss. But when I move back it will be extremely hard to give up the way of life here.
What is the deepest human desire? For me it’s to be loved. It’s to experience life, but experience it with other people. I just want relationships where we would do anything for each other. If I need them, they will drop everything to come help me. Where they will care as much about me as I do them. It’s weird that I went from everyday seeing my friends to now like once a week seeing someone.
And above all, I miss God. I have gotten so out of the practice of being his friend and spending time with him, that I don’t know Him anymore. And I know that plays a big factor in my loneliness. But ever since my dad died it feels impossible to go to him. I don’t know how to process everything. I don’t know how to trust Him again. I don’t know how to not be mad at Him.
Per usual, every blog ends up becoming about either my mom or dad. But welcome to my life. Everything comes back to them. I just want my parents back. I would do anything to talk to them one more time. Just hear them laugh one more time. To hug them one last time. To get to say goodbye to them. Because I didn’t get to. And now I have to live the rest of my life without them. It’s a very lonely feeling. To lose both your parents. I thought it was lonely without my mom. But i didn’t realize how much I relied on my dad. I didn’t realize all the small things he did that gave me comfort. I didn’t realize all the ways he knew me and made me feel known. I just want to tell them thank you. Ahaha and now I’m crying in the coffee shop that I’m writing this in. It might be time to wrap it up so I don’t start full out sobbing. Per usual love you guys and see you next time.
-PJ