Okay I’ve shared a lot of my life on social media, but all in bits and pieces. I’m here to share it all. Here’s my story.
GROWING UP
I was born in Gilbert Arizona. I was raised by my mom and dad. I had an amazing childhood. Everything was really well until I was 8 years old. My mom got really sick. She had a lot of undealt trauma and abuse growing up, that affected her health a lot. But, when I turned eight, that’s when she had to go to the hospital for surgery. That time is all a little blurry, but I remember there was “before I was 8”, then “after”. My parents started fighting a lot. My mom stopped going to church (we were Mormon). I slowly stopped seeing my half siblings (I just call them my siblings usually but just for context my dad was in a previous marriage before my mom). That was my new normal. That’s the childhood I remember. Being the kid trying to calm my parents down and keep the peace. My mom started becoming a hoarder. Our house used to always be so clean. I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but all of a sudden, I didn’t know a house without every square inch filled with stuff. Mine and my sister’s rooms were the only exception. We couldn’t really have friends over anymore because of it.
Stuff just kept getting worse. Especially the fighting. It would get so bad that the cops would have to come. There was one time I was in my room when the yelling started. Then I heard something shatter. And I see glass being thrown. I remember falling to my knees as a 9 or 10 year old just screaming for them to stop. They didn’t for about 30 more minutes. That would not be the last time glass or objects were thrown in fights.
We ended up buying the house right across the street so my mom could do preschool in the bottom of it. I know what you’re probably thinking, how could she be around kids when you read what you just read? Well, she was only like that with my dad. She was amazing with kids. Loved them. Loved me. She was my best friend. We always hung out. She taught me so much. How to love, be selfless, caring, creative, to go after my dreams, to be compassionate, and so so much more. When she wasn’t fighting my dad, she was a really good mom. She would always come help with classroom parties, go on road trips with me, have dance parties in the kitchen, teach me how to make her signature dishes, play games, and watch movies. She would always make holiday gifts for me to bring to my teachers. She made everyone around her feel so cared about. But it was never fake. She was someone who genuinely did care so much. I had so many good moments at home. My dad did so much for me too. We would watch movies, he would help me with sports, always help me with new hobbies, make things we wanted like bed frames or closets or skate ramps.
So to me, that was my new normal. I had active parents that loved me, but were toxic for each other. Then, when I was in junior high, my dad tried to commit suicide. He’s had depression since he was in sixth grade. Apparently he was suicidal. My mom hid all the guns (yes I lived in the US so we had guns at home). I was at a friends when my neighbor knocked on their door and said they were going to take me home. We pull up to my house and the cops are there. I was scared. I walk in and my mom tells me dad is missing. He won’t pick up his phone and he’s really sad. That he might try to take his life, but they are trying to find him. I try calling him and he picks up. Our conversation went like this;
Me: “Hi Dad, where are you?”
Dad: “Hi Paigey, I love you.”
Me: “I love you too. Where are you? We are worried about you.”
Dad: “I’m okay. I’m going home.”
Me: “Okay, when you get home we can watch a movie!”
Dad: “I’m going home. Bye Paigey, I love you.”
Me: “Love you too. See you soon.”
Then, I hung up. I told my mom he said he’s coming home. She asked me if he said he was “coming” home or “going” home. I instantly started crying because I knew it was the latter and I knew what that meant.
The cops ended up finding him in front of a bridge. Rope in the car. His headlight was out so that’s why he got pulled over. Then they saw he was “missing”. He ended up being put on suicide watch at the hospital before being checked into a mental hospital. I don’t remember exactly how long he was there but I think it was around 3 months. He was there over Christmas. I remember thinking it was so weird that we had to get special permission to bring board games in. We spent our Christmas there and it’s safe to say that was the weirdest Christmas ever.
He gets released on New Years Eve. It was strange but good at the house for a while. Anytime things were going well, my sister and I would wait for it to blow up. The good would never last. It was always the calm before the storm. Sometimes it would be a week or a few months, but eventually is always blew up. My sister could drive so she would try to help get me out of the house. I wouldn’t have survived without her.
Life continued on like that for a while. I had a best friend who was like family. He always went on our family vacations with us and was the only one allowed over at all times. He was there for a lot of the fights. He knew what it was like for me. He helped me stay afloat. The fighting continued. There were a few hospital visits as a result. Communications with my other siblings was completely cut off. I didn’t know them anymore. Later, I would find out my parents blocked their numbers on my phone. My moms health was rapidly declining. She couldn’t get out of bed a lot of days. If we wanted to go to the mall or go out, she’d have to prepare and take lots of medicine. We would end up having to take lots of breaks throughout the day so she could rest.
High school
Life continues. Same old same old. I’m in high school. I make a lot of friends and lose some friends. All the friends I’ve had are amazing, we’ve just grown apart. To talk about all my many different friends and dynamics throughout JR. High and high school would take its own post. But, freshman year of high school , I really did high school. The “American high school”. I played volleyball and was on student council as Freshman Vice President. I went to all the football games and all the school dances. A lot of my friends were seniors, so I would sneak out with them for lunch. Hide in the trunks of their cars until we were out of the school parking lot. I loved high school. Then, I switched schools to go to school with my best friend. There I met a boy Luke Knight. We became fast friends. He was my ‘boy best friend’. To this day he’s still on our Apple family plan haha. I don’t want to remove him. My dad would always bring me, Addy (the best friend at the school) and Luke lunch+Circle K. We’d eat it in the parking lot. We became friends with his best friends. I was into skating freshman year and finally got my own board. We started skating together. Luke and I had a California trip planned for that summer. My mom was going to take us. That trip never happened. He died in February.
We were supposed to go to a party that night together. I face timed him that morning to talk about when we would meet up. He got in a car crash after school. I went to the hospital, as did a lot of his friends. We were all so hopeful. My parents brought food to the hospital for me since I was there overnight. Luke would always ask me to give him my skateboard. He loved it. I had it all planned out. I was going to give it to him with snacks and flowers (we always talked about how boys didn’t get flowers enough). It was going to be his ‘get well present’ once he came out of surgery and was all better. Then, the doctor walked in to give us the news. That room haunts me. No one could believe it. We were all so sure that he would make it. That was my first time dealing with grief. Little did I know, but that would be just the start. That year, 7 more friends/peers died.
The other death that had a significant impact on me was Jayke Ellingson. Now, he wasn’t a friend that I shared all my deepest darkest secrets with, but we hung out a lot. His closest friends were some of my best friends. We would all sneak out and hang out. Even if it was to just talk in the car. I always felt so cool that he thought I was cool enough to hang with ahah. He didn’t necessarily like a lot of people. I had a party at my house the night he died. He came. He left early, then died in his sleep. I felt like I was drowning when I found out. It was February all over again. I couldn’t believe it. How could this be happening again? Except this time, it was affecting a whole new group of people. I didn’t want my friends to know this pain. I was heart broken for them. I became really close with Jaykes mom. I have always expressed my feelings pretty openly on social media, but especially with grief. I wanted to be someone who was real, amidst all the people who seemed like all was good. I wanted to be someone who said it like it was and people could take comfort in. I posted my real feelings about how I was upset with my friends for “leaving” me. People did not like it. Jaykes friends were so mad at me for saying that. My friends were mad at me. Jaykes mom saw that and was grateful. That was the start of our friendship. She applauded me for being real. She connected to it. Meanwhile, everyone else was talking about the post and me behind my back.
I kept living life. My mom during those times of grief was my rock. I went to her for everything. I would go to her at night and just cry in her bed and be held by her. I stopped going out. I became friends with a new group. When talking to my mom I referred to them as the “queen creek boys”. They became my best friends. Life was so fun. We would always skate, swim, go to the lake, and just do random stuff. I lived 35 minutes away by car, but I would drive out literally every day. Half of the boys already graduated high school (I also dropped out of high school at that point) so we could hangout everyday.
*I say dropped out but really I was doing online school, but not actually doing it. It was due to grief and covid. I would later just get my GED*
That was my new normal. Waking up, going to the gym, journaling, reading, hanging out with my mom, then going to hang out with them. It might also be noteworthy to mention that I now lived in the house we bought across the street, while my parents lived in the other one. I had two guy friends who moved in the other rooms, which would present itself to be an interesting situation. So after I would come home, I would hangout with my roomies. Life was so fun. It was good. Always had friends to skate with. Then, they moved out. We aren’t friends anymore. But, I still had the queen creek boys. Life continued on as normal. Or as “normal” as life could be for me. Then came the blow up. My parents were fighting bad. My dad came over to try to get me involved. I didn’t want to be involved so he left. Or so I thought. It was probably 1AM and I get the feeling to go outside in the back. And there I see my dad lying in a pool of blood on the floor. He fell off of the roof. I don’t know why he was on there in the first place. I call my best friend (the one since JR high that comes on all the fam vacations). We still talk but not as much. I’m crying, freaking out. He says I have to take him to the hospital. So, I grab towels and try to wipe off some of the blood and hold it on his head to stop the bleeding. I’m scared he’s going to die. He’s barely awake. My friend called my mom, so she’s ready with the car to rush him to the hospital. He ends up being okay and everything goes back to “normal”. My parents get along like they usually do after a big fight that ends up with one of them being in the hospital.
LATER
My mom and I do more trips together. But now I wanted to go to California by myself to see some friends. I was 16 and convinced them I could. The first night I’m there, I’m driving to my AirBnB in Oceanside after seeing some friends. I’m sitting at a red light at an off ramp from the freeway. Out of nowhere I wake up and there’s smoke and alarms going off. I cant find my phone. I get out and there are three cars in front of me crashed into each other. I get out and start apologizing. I remember saying, “I am so sorry, I must have let go of the brake or something.” The lady I was talking to said “Oh no sweetie. This isn’t your fault. A drunk driver crashed into you going 70mph.” I tried looking for my phone. I was out of it. I was crying. I started thinking about Luke and how he died in a car crash. I had my first anxiety attack. Someone let me use their phone and I called my mom. She thought I was joking. Then, when she realized I wasn’t, she got so scared. My parents got a car and started their eight hour drive to California right after that call. I didn’t know what to do. I was 16 with no car now. I couldn’t rent a car, I couldn’t get a hotel. I was too young. I called one of my friends that I was supposed to hang with there (I’ve never met them yet). He said him and his other friend could come pick me up and his mom said I could stay with them that night. My parents got there around 4AM. My dad flew home the next day and my mom and I made a girls trip out of it. I remember we went to Barnes&Noble and she bought me so many books. Then we went back to the hotel and watched a move. We ordered pizza to the room. When we heard a knock on the door, neither one of us wanted to get out of bed to get it. We kept laughing and trying to get the other person to get it. She ended up getting it. We bonded so much over that trip. That was when I was obsessed with the Folklore album. So that whole trip I associate with that album. She kept telling me how scared she was. That she doesn’t know what she would do without me. I told her I don’t know what I’d do without her. That was the best trip ever. My mom and my relationship was like Lorelei and Rory’s. Best friends. And once my friends died we became even closer.
At this point she didn’t fully believe in the Mormon church. She hasn’t been going for years, didn’t hold a temple recommendation, and outwardly talked about her problems with Joseph Smith. She would always tell me that none of it mattered — what people from church said. The only thing that mattered was my relationship with God. We had very similar outlooks on life and God.
I should probably mention that while I had a lot of guy friends, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I liked a lot of guy, talked to (or had situationships) with them. But never dated. I always got he ick or just didn’t like them enough to commit. I really liked my own company. Or maybe I just had commitment issues idk.
BEFORE
Life went on like it usually does. Which is something I don’t always like. There are some moments when I wish I would just stop.
I decided to stay home and read. My mom ordered me ‘The Cruel Prince’ (without me even asking). The problem was I just finished the first book and immediately wanted to start the next one. She got me ‘The Cruel Prince’ book #1 and ‘The Queen of Nothing’ book #3. It was 10PM. The stores were all closed. I told her she didn’t get the second one. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I decided to just go to bed. My mom comes in to my room to bring me laundry at like 12AM. I was asleep. She tried asking me something but I don’t know what. She didn’t realize I was already asleep, and said good night and sorry and I love you. I replied good night love you mom. That morning I wake up to a phone call from my dad. He was crying, which wasn’t unusual. He kept repeating something but I couldn’t understand him. Then I hear him say, “She’s gone. She’s gone.” I hang up and run down the stairs and over to the other house. I maneuver around everything in the house and find my dad in their bathroom. That’s when I see her. In the bathtub. My dad put a towel over her already. And she’s dead. Just like that. She looked so peaceful. My world was ruined. Ive been through this with my friends but I couldn’t do it with her. I couldn’t. I COULDN’T. She was my mom. I’m screaming sitting on the lid of the toilet. I go numb. I text all my closest friends,
“My moms dead”
I call my sister or my dad does, honestly don’t remember. But she called 911. I think they are who made me leave the bathroom. I walk outside and see me sister and start crying even more. We go sit on the driveway. Once again there are cops at our house. This time, it’s not because my parents were fighting. It’s because my mom is dead. I called one of my friends and she came over the second I told her. Word spread fast. The texts came flooding in. My friend gets there and we hug for like 5 minutes. I just cry. Then my sister, my friend, and I just sit against the garage door on the driveway. Just waiting. For what? I don’t know. What were we supposed to do after this? How do we just go on? There was a really nice officer that came out and talked to us. He made us laugh a couple times. Then, an Amazon truck pulls up to the house. Imagine what he thought when he saw the ambulance and all the police cars there. He walks up to us and hands me a package. I open it. It’s the second book. Book #2 that I needed so bad. My mom ordered it for me the night before. It was a gift from her even after she was dead. I start laughing/crying. I don’t remember the next weeks honestly. I don’t go out. I forced myself to still eat and go to the gym. People dropped off flowers and sent text messsages. But I knew the drill. They were all going to forget. Unless it affects you, you don’t remeber. Why would you? But, no one was really affected by this. Except for my dad and sister. So I had no friends to relate to or go through this with. I tried to go hang out with friends. I wasn’t super happy or energetic but I needed to be around people. Life kept going. My new normal became going to hang with the queen creek boys, crying on the drive home, and fighting with my dad. That was my life now. No one knew how to act around me or what to say. They were always so afraid to talk about it. No one asked me questions about her. I don’t remember when, but I started to feel ok. Like I could smile. Like I could still have fun moments when I was distracting myself.
AFTER
Things were getting bad with my dad. Too toxic. He started dating another lady and told my sister and I on Mother’s Day. I couldn’t be in the empty house. I couldn’t deal with my dad without my mom so I talk to my cousin in Virginia (that I’d only talked to once 3 months prior) about coming and living with her and her family for the summer. They offered first, don’t worry. I gave her a date that I would come. All my friends were leaving on Mormon missions. So I had my last few highschool months. It was so fun. Then I moved. My sister and I drove my car from Arizona to DC. Moved into the house. Got to know them all. It was weird at first. I also had no friends there. So, I read and really became my own best friend. I got super close with the family. Their kids became like my nieces and nephews. We hung out all the time. I would drive then to sports practice, take them to friends, make them come thrifting with me, etc. I got a job nannying. Full time for a 10-month old at 17. It was a lot. But so good. A couple months after the move, it was my birthday. My moms best friend and my “second mom” since kindergarten, bought me a ticket to fly home. My mom always made birthdays a HUGE deal, so she was determined to as well. I went back to AZ, and then we drove up to their beachouse in California. Her daughter and my sister came. She woke me up with breakfast and then we went on a shopping spree. We ended the day at my and my mom’s favorite restaurant. True Food Kitchen. We would always go on dates there. Then, that night I cried. It wasn’t so different than the previous birthday.
*I had a party but it was the first birthday without Luke and we had big plans for my 16th birthday. So, I locked myself in my room and cried. *
After a few days we drove back to AZ. I saw all my friends. Saw the queen creek boys. At the time I never wanted to kiss/date any of them cause I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. But that trip I finally did. And months later when I was back in Virginia and had commitment issues guess what happened? It ruined the friendship.
VIRGINIA
I was in Virginia for about 9 months. Way longer than just the summer. I became a new person. I was trying to heal. I was going to therapy. I was reading. All. The. Time. I went thrifting a lot and found most of my current wardrobe. There was this one local thrift store and the guy who owned it knew what I liked. So, he started saving pieces he knew I would want. It was the best. I went to my first hockey game and fell in love with the sport. I became a “good Mormon”. I needed God. I really started posting on social media and got sent my first PR box. Then every week I started getting sent stuff. Got my first brand deal. My cousin taught me how to cook. (I still get most of my recipes from her). She had a baby while I was there so I learned so much about newborns. After my mom passed, I really started to be passionate about the foster system and kids in abuse.
*my mom would share some of the things she went through as a kid when she lived through abuse and the foster system, and really helped me see the world in a different way. She helped me care about things not a lot of people care about*
My cousin has fostered and was going to school to be a therapist. So I also learned so much from her. She taught me so much and had a big impact on my life.
I felt like my time in Virginia was coming to an end. I wanted to move back to AZ. But, things were really bad with my dad. So, I talked to my mom’s best friend about moving in with her for a little. So, then I started my drive back to AZ. I did it all by myself. It was a 3 day road trip. I made it. Let’s call my mom’s bestie (my “second mom”) “Mrs. S”. So Mrs. S let me redo the entire room I was staying in and furnished all of it for me. It was such a blessing being able to live there and have someone to go to and grieve to and grieve with, but who still felt like a parental figure. She loved my mom so much. She tried to keep her spirit and traditions alive. I am still so close to her.
This brings us to the time in my life where I found God. So I mentioned in DC I was doing all the things. I became a good Mormon. I was reading the Book of Mormon, saying my prayers, going to church, and meeting with the missionaries. Yes, I still felt like there was something missing. Being back in Arizona was interesting because most of my friends were gone. So it was kind of like an extension of Virginia. Things were also weird for me with the queen creek boys because of the ruined friendship and their friend group changed. I got a job running the social medias for the companies Evora, Wangs Closet, and Wang’s Vintage. I had a couple friends in California that I wanted to see. I also was talking to a new friend. He told me I should come hang with him and his friends.
My friend Addy and I go to California. We got an airbnb in downtown. Kinda scary, but it was super nice. We met up with the new friends and his freind group. It’s super fun. We are at their apartment till 2am. I also knew they were Christians. One of the guys specifically was kind of known as the “pastor” as a joke. We were sitting at the table and I wanted to ask him about religion, but I didn’t want to be the first one to bring it up. The next second he says, “Can I ask you a personal question?” I said yes and he said, “Are you religious?” I then go into telling him about it. He asked if he could share his story. After, I remember thinking “yes this is true”. I asked him a ton of questions. Then everyone kept inviting me to a house church. My friend and I went. We walked in and I was instantly shocked. It’s a bunch of people in their 20’s and a lot of them are people I recognize on the internet. What stood out to me was that they were CHOOSING to be here on their own. No parents forcing them to be here. And they are SO happy. I started crying. Someone later comes up to me and asks to pray for me. She then starts telling me things about my life and my relationship with my dad. Not just vauge stuff. Very specific. It was just more confirmation for me. I start crying to my friend saying that if this is true then everything I was taugh growing up isn’t. But it was this weird dilemma where I believed in God and he was showing himself to me, just not in the way I thought. But, I couldn’t deny it because I believe in Him. I go back to AZ but over the next few months I come back to California every 2-3 weeks to go to house church and hang out with them. I would always come with a big list of questions. Then I would experience God, and then process it all back in AZ. Then come back and do it all again. I also made amazing friendships. The people there did life together and it would always end up in spontaneous worship, bible studies, or just talking about God. It was so beautiful. I also made girlfriends. A lot of them. It was not an easy thing for me, but they were some of the nicest girls ever. Then, I felt like I should move to LA. I decided and found an apartment within 3 weeks. I moved into my first apartment.
LA
It was the best. I kept hanging out with them and living life. Life felt like a movie. Then I started hanging out with this girl who would become my best friend.
*We met originally when she followed me on tik tok and invited me to her show in DC back when I lived there. She was doing her first headline tour. We talked for a little at the show, but she was busy so I hung out with her mom the whole night.*
Anyway she lives in LA and she came over to my apartment to make dinner. My apartment was right by the studio she recorded at, so the rest of the week she came by for dinner every night. We became fast friends. Then we started hanging out with these boys from house church, but they didn’t hang out with the “house church group”. They were creative. They had their own clothing brand. They had a studio (which would become a place I went all the time). All of us hung out literally everyday. We would drive out to lookouts at 2am in Malibu, go off-roading, do sushi making nights, or go see the sunrise. It was so fun. We hung out everyday for 2 months. Then we all had to get back to real life. We hung out a lot but not everyday. My best friend had an aunt who lived in Laguna so we all started doing trips there.
A few months after living in LA, I decided to go to Circuit RIders. It’s a YWAM branch in Huntington Beach, California. I decided to go three weeks before it starts and it costs thousands of dollars+money to live on. It’s basically a ‘missionary training camp’ which means I wouldn’t be able to work. But somehow I was able to get all the money. Before I left to that, I went to Virginia to visit. And my best friend in LA was on tour and one our friends was her creative director. So I met them at her show in DC then decided to stay with them on tour and fly back from New York. So we went to Boston and New York. It was so fun. It literally made me so proud of her to see her like that. I will forever be her biggest supporter.
CR
I pack up and go to CR. I’m so scared. I’m so bad at meeting new people and small talk. I call another one of my guy best friends and rant to him and he hypes me up. He was someone that I really related to spiritually and just in life. But he had a similar way of viewing God as me. Less religious and rule book type. He was more open minded. He drove down to hang with me because I refused to talk to new people. I was so scared they wouldn’t like me. Oh did I mentioned I was to live in a house with 15 other girls and 5 other roommates? Yep. But they were all amazing. CR was an interesting time. So amazing. I got God time 24/7. I went so deep with him, but I also realised that maybe I didn’t fully agree with everything. That’s okay, right? I just went from being in the Mormon church for 17 years. I didn’t want to be put in another box. I didn’t want to just blindly accept everything as truth.
Okay, so I met so many amazing people and it was so great, but it was also weird and hard. For one, I’ve been used to living on my own, but now we had a curfew. I’ve never had a curfew in my life. We weren’t allowed in each other’s house, no dating ,etc. It might sound crazy if you’ve never been to a church camp. But supposedly that’s what they are like. It was also a weird dynamic because all the leaders were friends with my friends so it felt like an extension of house church. It was here that I learned how to be God’s best friend. And I went deep with God. I had moments where I would spend the entire weekend in solitude with him and just in tears over what he’s done for me. I would go up to LA on the weekends sometimes. I met new friends here and started skating a lot again. I also started hanging out with this boy who knew so much about the Bible. We would hang out and do bible studies. I did what I used to do by making a huge list of questions that I would always ask him. Now, we hung out a lot but I never thought he liked me more than just a friend, nevermind he had this whole thing where he didn’t believe in dating. Sounds so weird, right? So none of that even crossed my mind. We just hung out.
Okay now is where everything gets messy. House church was starting to split. I wasn’t there, so I had no idea what was going on and no one would tell me anything. These were all my friends and something was going on but I didn’t know what. It felt like I was back with my parents when they would have two completely different stories. It was also hard because I felt like they just forgot about me. They just moved on without me. My best friend, the one I met in DC, drove down from LA a lot to come to the classes with me or the worship nights. Ethan and I kept hanging out and he eventually told me he had feeling for me. What? Definitely not what I was expecting.
*now we still fight over this because I DEFINITELY said that the feeling were reciprocated but he said I didn’t and that he had to pick up on “context clues”*
So we keep hanging out. Just as friends. So we liked each other but we weren’t allowed to date. It felt weird. Like I’ve basically had to be an adult since I was 12. Why am I now being told I can’t date the kindest and sweetest man I’ve ever met. Also keep in mind, before ethan told me he had feelings he went to leadership to see if he was allowed to tell me. They told him yes. So what do we do? It was making it more confusing because we had to just act like friends. Whatever, life goes on. I continue to learn and go deep with God.
It’s the last couple weeks. We decided it would feel less toxic and confusing if we just started dating. We are basically acting like it. Now looking back we agree we could’ve just waited the 2 weeks and gone about it in a different way. But we are also young. We are figuring out this life thing. I also didn’t think that it was THAT bad. Well, I would later find out that it would make everyone so upset. Namely, my friends who I felt like, at the time, forgot about me. One of them texts ethan to meet for lunch. Ethan told me and was excited because he’s been wanting to hang out with him. He respected him a ton and hasn’t gotten one on one time with him but wanted to connect with him. I would later find out that it seemed like the purpose of the lunch was to rebuke him and to tell him to repent and break up with me. Apparently everyone in the group was talking about it and was not happy. I go to the worship night clueless. Then, my friend from house church pulls me outside. I saw him earlier pull ethan out. They have also never had a conversation. So I put the pieces together. He basically tells me that this is wrong. That ethan is influencing me but not in a good way. That I’ve changed and I’m not the person he thought I was or had come to know. That I’m disagreeing with things they are teaching. I’m being rebellious. That I need to break up with ethan because the devil is tying to distract me.
Remember what I said earlier about not wanting to be in a religious box ever again? Well let me explain something for you in case if you aren’t familiar with Christianity. There are many different branches of Christianity that all have different beliefs. They all believe in the basic core doctrines like the “Creeds”, whatever that is. But as far as “theology” goes they all have different ideas. Scholars will often argue over what heaven is or hell or about spiritual gifts. Many churches disagree in the way you should worship. There is so much that people all have different ideas on. So, for me, I knew this but I didn’t know all the ‘options’. I only experienced a very charismatic type of chirstianity. Which I loved but I didn’t want to just blindly accept everything they taught. I wanted to really take time to research and sit with God about it. And see what I believed. But by me doing this, my friends often blamed ethan for that.
So back to the conversation that I was pulled out of worshipping God for. I told him exactly that. That I didn’t want to blindly accept everything again. And that he’s never talked to ethan but he was making him out to be this evil person. I wasn’t trying to be rebellious and I didn’t decide to date him as a “f u” to the leaders. I just liked the boy (more on that later hehe). I also told him that I’ve barely seen him and the group lately. That “what the hell is going on with house church?” Whatever, that converstation continued.
Later that night, I get a bunch of texts from my friends from the house church group. One of the texts said that ethan was ‘sent by the devil to distract me’ SORRY WHAT???? When is it ever ok to say someone, another Christian, is from the devil? Especially when what we were doing wasn’t malicious or evil. It definitely took me by shock to see my friends act like this. And none of them actually would listen to me or hear me out. It was like they knew. It was so black and white. Whatever, worst night ever. The next day, one of the leaders (and my friends close friend) pulled ethan out and said that he has to break up with me or he’s getting kicked out and he’s going to go to the top leader. If he breaks up with me he won’t tell the leader in charge. So ethan breaks up with me to try to “submit to leadership”. For 1 week we can’t hang out really. I’m upset. I talk to my friends in LA about it (the creative ones that I would go to laguna with). The 1 week was up and ethan was planning on coming to LA with me and hanging for a little and go on our first ‘official date’. We have a great time. I was going to go visit him in Arkansas after Christmas. I was still suppposed to go on the missions part of CR for 3 months. So I wanted to go see him before I left. I’m back at work as a nanny in LA. I just picked up the little boy from school when I get a call from my dad. He tells me he loves me and it’s not my fault but he can’t live anymore he’s too tired. I fall to the floor. The boy keeps asking me if I’m okay as tears stream down my face. I telll him yes to go play and I’ll come play with him in just a little bit. I start talking to my dad trying to convince him to hold on. That I’ll come home tomorrow. ( I wasn’t supposed to go for 3 more days). He says okay and hangs up. I call ethan and ask what to do.
*heres the thing about my dad. He’s been on anti depressants since he was in 6th grade. He has gone to the hospital, he’s gotten shock therapy, he’s tried ‘natural’ ways to get rid of it, forces himself to excerise, etc. i didn’t know what to do. It’s not like any of that helped. He also lived alone, had a dead wife, just got another divorce, half of his kids dont talk to him, and his body is getting old and he can’t physically do as much. Like I get it, idk how happy I would be either.*
So I didn’t know what to do. Especially from California. I decided I was going to go home for Christmas but move back to AZ for a few months in January. Instead of going on missions I was going to go hang and bond with my dad. It was perfect because I already had someone to take over work and my rent for me since I was already planning on being gone. Of course, I was scared everyone was going to think ethan was the reason I wasn’t going, because Ethan also wasn’t going but for his own personal reasons. I get work off and drive home the next morning. I stay with Mrs. S. I started spending Christmas with her and her family after my mom died because Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas without my mom and my dad doesn’t do holidays now that she wasn’t here. And my sister wasn’t in Arizona either. So I do dinner with my dad but not Christmas morning. That trip was so hard. I felt all alone. No one seemed to care that my dad was suicidal. They were all too understanding of why, that it felt like they just accepted. It felt like they had given up. Now he is really hard to talk to because he basically only talks about the Mormon church or his mental health. And you can see how its kind of awkward to have him try to convert me back to the Mormon church. Fast forward, I go to Arkansas and hang with ethan and his family. I love his family. They are some of the sweetest and most loving people ever. I was there for I think 15 days. Long time. Then I go home for the big move. I stay with Mrs. S cause living with my dad would be too much for me. We would hang out and I would help him go through the house. He cleared out and sold one of the houses since my mom died but we still had a house full of stuff. Mom was a hoarder remember? So a lot of it was junk, but there was some sintimental stuff mixed in so we couldn’t just toss it all. It took forever. It was weird being back in Arizona. I didn’t have anything to do. Especially cause I wasn’t really friends with anyone here anymore. My friends and my life were back in LA. The three months went by fast. Ethan came to visit once.
Okay now, I kinda skipped over this but let me tell you about Ethan. He was the most gentlemanly person I’ve been with. He always opened my car door for me, filled up my gas, would bring me gifts, always payed for me, would carry all my bags, and more without ever asking. On one of our first times hangin out he starts asking me about my mom. He said “What was your favorite thing about her?”I told him he was the first person to ask me that.
It’s funny cause I don’t remember this but he said the first time we met was this,
“We were at Monday nights and I saw you around so I decided to introduce myself. I was talking to you and someone called your name and you just straight up walked away without saying anything and I was in the middle of my sentence”
I literally don’t remember that ever happening. But anyway, so ethan was great. I was a lot, commitment issues and all. The first time I picked him up after officially dating he gets in the car with flowers and chocolate bluberries (he knew they were my fav). Let me tell you two things. 1. It was the ugliest bouquet of flowers I’ve ever seen. 2. Im veryyy picky and they were the wrong blueberries cause they were filled with açaí. Okay I know I sound like a brat. But I thought everything was cringe and this felt like too much too fast. So I say thanks and in my head I’m freaking out. I finally look over to him and say “okay listen, this is so so sweet but pls don’t do it again. It’s just like too much” i see him hold a small note in his hand and discreetly slide it back into his pocket. I feel so bad but also am cringing soo hard. He tells me “sorry” (SORRY for getting me flowers *insert crying emoji* im such a jerk ahah) and that “that’s just always how he’s seen his dad love his mom.” But that “he wont do it anymore.” A few months later I’ll ask why he never gets me flowers and he will go crazy oops hehe. Anyway I was soo unhealthy at first but he was so patient with me. Okay back to the story.
Ethan’s mom called me and was going to surprise ethan with an apartment in LA. Me and Ethan were not made for long distance so he really wanted to move to LA. We were also talking about marriage at this point. So he moved to LA and we did a lot of roadtrips together. Mostly just to Arizona and Utah. We decide we want to get married. But it was kinda me who brought it up. I knew ethan wanted to marry me whenever I wanted, he just knew I didn’t want to get married for a while. But then with life happening I decided why not. I knew I wanted to marry him eventually. He was going to go to school abroad and my lease was ending. I didn’t want to do long distance and we wanted to get married in November anyway. Why not a little sooner? So I told him I want to get married and he was all for it. I started looking at some venues and dresses. We decided to do the wedding in May in California so my friends could come without having to spend a lot of money traveling. We have family all over and I didn’t want to get married in Arkansas or Arizona. So it was either abroad or in California. I chose California. I wanted it to be a small wedding cause I didn’t want the stress, but I also didn’t want the obligation of inviting people if it was big. For instance, my half siblings that i wasn’t so close to, I felt like it would be kind of awkward to have them there with all the drama with my dad. I love them but I haven’t done life with them for all of my teenage and adult years. Really since I was 12. They didn’t know me. And it was also on me. But then there was what friends to invite, and extended family which was also more drama. Since my dad was kinda on the outs with them at the moment too. So, small wedding. We told our friends anddd they weren’t so happy. The creative besties in LA that we did the trips with. They didn’t get along super well with Ethan because he wasn’t creative. He didn’t have good style (i got him a new wardrobe don’t worry) and he wasn’t like them. He was more of a theology nerdy jock. I told Mrs. S and she was so excited. Even my sister who only met him once, gave me our moms ring to use. She was a little worried but super happy for us. My dad was even on board. Which was a literal miracle. He did try to convert ethan when he asked for his blessing but that’s besides the point. Okay so I’m stoked. My close family friends are stoked. But my Christian friends are not. Guess what? God told them we shouldn’t get married. Yep. It wasn’t just what they felt, it was God telling them that this was bad. Even though the reasons for them not wanting us to get married was because of financial reasons, “what if he’s not what I actually want”, or “we are too young”. But yes, totally God. It really messed with me. I felt so confident and sure until then. I started questioning if I even hear God’s voice and if I even have a relationship with God. Why wouldn’t he tell me? Why wouldn’t I feel not good about this? Why would our families be in such support? Why would everyone else be happy about it except for my friends? Who also barely knew him because unfortunately most of my friends didn’t make an effort with him. They would tell me it was because we were just moving anyway so in their minds, what’s the point? That one felt great. They also told me that they think we will end up getting divorced. Awesome. They also mentioned that if they were at the wedding, they would feel like they would need to object. Okay great. This is perfect. So now I’m thinking, when they come to the wedding they are just going to be so against it the whole time. They also think we are going to get divorced. So now, when marriage is inevitably hard, and I need friends to talk to, how am I going to go to them? They will just be like ‘told you so’. It felt very lonely. I also didn’t have my mom. She was my best friend and she wasn’t going to be here. She was there for my sister’s wedding but not mine. She wouldn’t ever get to meet ethan. She wouldn’t ever meet my kids. I couldn’t talk to her about any of this. I continued to plan the wedding. Mrs. S has their beachouse in San Diego and thats where we got married. We found a really pretty venue for under 1k and all our family stayed at the beavhoous. It was so fun bc it was like a wedding week. All our family got to meet each other and hang out and we got to have time to really enjoy it. I picked out my own flowers from the flower district in LA and made my own bouquets. It was basically a chill hang out day which was amazing. Such a beautiful day. *Guess who was all texting me congrats and so happy for me. All the people that said ethan was from the devil and that we were going to get divorced.* Then we all went back to the beach house to hang out. Then we went to the cutest air bnb and his family and best friend from Arkansas came to hang out in the backyard. There was a hot tub nad we all got food and champagne. Then we road tripped to Arizona for the reception. For all my extended family and friends that i grew up with or from high school. Oh and lets not forget all the wedding drama. I thought for sure there wouldn’t be any family drama. I was wrong. My dad went on one of his little phases he tends to go on. He started drama with Ethan’s mentor the person who married us. Then he univited my brother to the reception without me knowing. He texted him saying i didnt want him there. (For context, they still weren’t talking and i also didnt really know him that well, but ofc i wanted him there). Welll i called my brother and told him i did in fact want him to come and i didnt know dad was sending that. He shows up and my dad told him he wasn’t invited and he needs to leave. My dad ends up leaving instead. Then it was back to LA to pack up my apartment cause we were moving to Belgium.
Ethan’s parents stayed at his place and he stayed at mine with me. I became very close with his parents. His mom specifally was such a huge help during the wedding. She also lost her mom so she could relate. I literally called her once when i was stressed with the wedding and ethan was annoying me and i said “ I know he’s ur son but i dont have a mom to go to so i need you to be unbiased” and she listened and helped. We packed up the apartment then we went on our honeymoon. We went to Iceland. Guess what? Right when we got here i got sick. I threw up for the next 24 hours straight. Best honeymoon ever. Poor Ethan just married me and had to get straight to husband duties. Running to a bunch of different stores to get me medicine and the specific foods that i wanted. I was in bed all day for the next 3 days. Then i started to feel better so w could do small stuff for the remaining 3 days. We flew back to LA to pick up my car then started out road-trip to Arkansas. We were doing a reception there as well. We were going to live with his parents for the next 2 months to be able to hang with them before we move. We also had a bunch of trips planned to go see family all over before we left. We didnt want to pay LA rent if we were barely going to be there. We went to Tennessee, Virginia, and a few other places close to Arkansas. During this time, I did a lot of reflecting. I was in a super weird place with God. I realized for the first time how much church hurt I had. I was super hurt by all of my friends actions. None of them acknowledged anything that was said, just acted like none of it happened. Still haven’t lol. Life moves on. But my relationship with god in shattered all over the floor. I dont know the first step in fixing it. Its too hard a puzzle. In the past i would journal or read the Bible to feel close to God. I tried to do it but it just wasn’t working. I was kinda taught in that charismatic environment that if I pray then ill get a prophetic word. That ill hear god. There was never a shortage. Every day someone would get a new prophetic word from God. Something from God about what to do in life. I didnt know how to just be with God. I didnt know how to pray if it wasn’t getting a “prophetic” word. Was I not doing it right? Did God not want to talk to me anymore? I really battled with the fact that I dont think God uses the gifts all the time like they were being used in California. I dont doubt that God can give prophetic words or that the gifts dont exist. But I just don’t think they are thrown around all the time like that. I think God uses them for specific purposes. There it was like a game. “Okay close your eyes and walk up to someone and God will tell you something about them.” I just dont think thats what they were doing in the Bible. I also realized the weight it holds when telling someone something is “from God” or “God says this.” I learned wisdom with how to go about telling someone if you do feel like something is from God. Before i would hear it and immediately share, like most of my friends. But really it can be life altering if you tell that person that. So really sit on it and make sure it is from God and pray about it and see if you really feel like He wants you to share it. For the next 7 months i would not have a good relationship with God.
BELGIUM
We got to Belgium! We were in an air bnb for the first month of being here. Visa stuff was the WORST (still is). We explored. We were here for my birthday. We decided to go to Paris for it. That was super fun, but Paris is not one of my favorite places. It’s super cool but im not die hard for it. The thrifting is amazing though. We keep exploring belgium. It was super hard the first month cause we were in a studio and none of us had anything to do. We both didnt have jobs or school. And our bank account was slowly draining. Then finally I got a job. As a nanny. I met some friends. Ethan started school. We were making a life for ourselves. We FINALLY got accepted to a house (which is actually hard if you are an international student). We discovered our favorite places to eat. I became close with some girls here. It was so healing fo me. They were the sweetest girls ever! They always texted me and checked in on me. They were so inclusive and always tried to make sure i felt welcome. They are still my closest friends here. The transition was hard. Lots of culture shock. We missed friends and family. I missed my car. We missed the food and target and the restaurants. We miss the good weather of California. But, we also love so many things about here. We’ve gotten outside of the US bubble. We have grown. Ive seen US politics outside of the US and my mind has opened with all of that lol. I see the things that they do well here, and the things they dont. I have seen more cultures and countries. We’ve continued to meet people. We are apart of a church. Now thats the big one. It’s an Anglican Church. Could not be more different than the house church in LA. So during this time, I just ignore everything with God. I live my life. I dont know how to deal with everything and how to get close to God again. It’s hard on ethan. We are out here all alone with no community. And now his wife doesnt want to do anything with God. And he’s studying theology. He’s studying God. And i dont want to talk about it. Recipe for disaster. Our marriage was good it was just lacking, because we weren’t able to connect on a very foundational thing. He also didnt have Christian friends to rely on to help him get through this. My friends from LA dont keep up with me. I lost all sense of CHristian community when i moved. They forgot about me. Life moved on without me. I get it, its hard. We still call sometimes but not often. Btu the reason is was so hard for me wasn’t just because I lost my friends, i also lost my Christian friends. People to help push me and inspire me and carry my burdens with. Especially when I was going through this weird phase with God. But i also didnt want to go to them because i was afraid they would use God against me again. I didnt want to tell anyone where i was at. Then after months of that. I have an interest in God. Out of nowhere. I’m at work and I just decide to listen to a Bible Project podcast about the parables. I go home and start asking ethan questions about God. He’s surprised but answers. The next day I do it again. The following day i dont feel like listening to it. So i dont force myself. Now im still working on it. I can talk about Him again. He has a space in my life. Im learning how to be with Him. Im learning about the Bible. I’m deconstructing all the ways I used to the read the Bible and reconstruct with none of my personal context or with “western eyes”. Just the Bible in its original context. Or trying my best. Me and ethan are now doing bible studies once a week. Things are good.
Marriage
Living in Belgium i dont think I could do it without Ethan. He is my best friend. It would be so so lonely on my own. It’s a weird thing to live with a boy. It feels so weird at first. It’s weird to be roommates and bedmates with someone. Like what do you mean I dont get my own room? Now, he’s out of town and it feels so weird to have to sleep all alone. We’ve created a life together here. It’s not permanent but it was still done together. We’ve grown so much. I picked up a lot of things from my parents at the start. (Not the crazy crazy stuff, but just picking fights). I was never around a healthy marriage. I was used to fighting when you were annoyed at something. I was used to having to be right. It took a while to break all those habits. Ethan was patient. Don’t worry he had his own things to work on. He used to not be able to communicate his feelings. He could tell me he loved me and all the mushy gushy stuff. Just never when he was upset with me. He didnt want to hurt me or have it start a fight. So, he just kept quiet. So he keeps quiet and i tell him every time i am annoyed with one small tiny thing. Recipe for disaster. We worked through it (on our own keep in mind), no community to help us or give us advice or pray for us. Except for his parents. They truly have been there for everything. Now, we are sooo much better at communicating. We honestly hardly ever fight, and if we do its usually just cause im tired or overstimulated. Marriage is a beautiful thing. We both have changed so much. Ethan never tries to make me stay the same. He is my biggest supporter in whatever I do. If i decide to try out a new hobby he is the first to cheer me on. Best friend for real. Oh and our one year anniversary is in a week.
Life now
I currently am in a phase of refinding myself. I haven’t given myself time for the things i love. Life got busy again. So, ethan is out of town, and im spending it in solitude. Minus one of the days. I am figuring it out. Im enjoying it. I love marriage. I love having a person. I love being a part of a healthy family. I love dreaming about our future family. I love cooking now and I’ve started to sketch. Im starting to find beauty in the small things in life. Life here is a lot slower than LA. It was hard at first because I felt like I was missing out, but now im grateful for the opportunity to slowdown. Life is still really hard without my mom. I still have many nights where I cry to Ethan about her. There’s nothing to say. Nothing he can do to fix it. We have watched a lot of home videos, and I’ve told him many many stories about her. My dad has grown so much. We have a pretty good relationship now. He came to visit a few months ago and we really got to connect. It’s not perfect but its better. Ive had one of my friends apologize for how they handled the situation with me and Ethan and we got to reconnect. I’ve moved on from all of it but wow was that a crazy time ahah. I have gotten into music again lately. Im trying to learn French. And as soon as I get my visa I will be traveling all over Europe just wait.
So life has been crazy, but everyone’s life has. It gets good and it gets bad. You look back and reflect and maybe sometimes you wonder ‘what if’. But overall im very grateful for my life and who it has made me. I guess if you’re still reading this, first off hi ahaha glad you know my life, but second maybe you aren’t experiencing the same things but know that life isn’t perfect. And it’s okay if its messy and its okay to share that mess with people. I love you bye.
PJ