Blah Blah I Don’t Know Where I Am.

I’ve been wandering and found myself in a place I don’t know. Yes Belgium, but also inside me.

The other night I was talking to Ethan (my husband) and I told him it’s been hard because everything is new and unfamiliar, but I don’t even know where I’d go. Nowhere feels like home. I don’t have a home. And that was a lonely thought.

I’ve realized I’ve changed. I’ve realized it’s a lot easier to not know who you are when you aren’t surrounded by people expecting and telling me to be some version of who I used to be.

Marriage has taught me a lot. About me, about life. I am also lucky to have a husband who doesn’t demand I be a certain way. Doesn’t demand I stay the same. And won’t leave me if I change. Is okay and forgives my failures. I’ve been able to feel secure enough to admit a lot of things to myself about myself.

It always comes back to grief.

Yes, a big part of not feeling like I have no home is because I have no mom. She just died. She was just gone. One day she was there and I talked to her everyday, and the next she just… wasn’t. I still can’t comprehend it. What’s weirder to me now is that two years ago, she was my best friend. Now, she’s just someone in my mind. Sometimes it feels like I just made her up, like she wasn’t even real.

Randomly, for the past two weeks, all I can do is grieve. All I can do is sob and sob. I can’t control it. It feels like those first few days I lost her. But now, also knowing my husband will never get to know her. That our kids will never get to meet her or feel loved by her. That I can try to describe her to Ethan, or explain how much pain I’m in, but he’ll never know what it was like to have a world with her in it, then a world with her not.

Okay back to the point. It’s caused me to feel homeless. Yes, Ethan is my “home” in the cliche term. But, sometimes you still just need your mom. You need her to talk to about the culture shock of a new country, to talk to her how you have no friends, or how hard it is to live with a boy sometimes. Sometimes you just need your mom to tell you that everything will be okay.

Then, it always comes back to God.

If you’re Christian, then you might be saying “God is your home, duh.” Easy answer, right? He’s always with me, never leaves me, and is my purpose for existing.

Well, it’s hard if you feel distant from God. If you don’t desire Him, but you wish you did. It’s hard if you are trying to relearn who God is aside from what people say about Him or church. Or, trying to separate Him from people’s actions. Imagine this:

You know you are broken and you need God. You go to sit with Him. Then, you have the most soul crushing, heart shattering moment of grief you’ve had in over two years. It takes all night and a great husband to be able to finally breathe again and see because the tears finally stopped. Then, the next day you want to be comforted by God, because you miss your mom. So, you go to sit with Him again. The same thing happens. It happens every night (or day) for the next week. You think to yourself , “Why God? Why, when I just want to be with You, do You have me go through so much pain?” So you put off that time with God. You can’t handle life being shattered today.

Now, some might hear that and say “SPIRTITUAL WARFARE!!” People have told me before that if I’m grieving, then I should just pray and God will take away the pain. That God doesn’t want me to feel that pain. They made it seem like the pain was bad. I think they are wrong. I think that the pain is beautiful. I think the reason this isn’t spiritual warfare keeping me from spending time with God, is because grief is good. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalms 34:18). I think He wants to teach me something, I just don’t know what yet. But, I know I’ll grow, and I’ll grow closer with God too.

Okay. Back to me now.

Let me say some positive things. Europe is a dream. We are going to Paris for my birthday. Like WHAT? I live 2 hours away from Paris. I love it here. I’ve dreamed of living in Europe since I was little and now Im doing it. I love being married to my best friend. I never have to do things alone anymore. I always have a partner who loves to cheer me on. As much as im talking about sadness and despair, I don’t hate life. Quite the opposite. I love it. But, it’s life, so there are hard moments. I’m growing, I’m changing. My life is changing. And, I still don’t know who I am or where I am. I’m not going to end it with some “everything is going to be fine.” I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn through this yet. And it will suck till I do. Even then, growing is hard. Sanctification, as beautiful as it is, hurts. Everything will be fine till it’s not again. I’m excited for it though. I’m excited for the memories, the stories, the relationships created through it.

Until next time…

Love, PJ