Sometimes, it’s too much.
It’s been a minute since I’ve written. Today everything hit. I could feel this build up of feelings locked inside, that I haven’t given space to free. Finally, I went in my bed, curled up, and just cried. I cried for probably an hour. Grieving, mourning, feeling sorry for myself, letting my insecurities hit me, thinking about all the ways I’m failing in life. Then, I asked God to take it all from me. I chose him.
This stage in my life where I’m 18, I just moved, and I’m figuring out my life is one of the most confusing times I’ve ever gone through. I have grown apart from so many friends. I have moved away from what’s normal and comfortable to me. I am paying bills for the first time. I have the stress of, “What am I going to do with my life? What if Im not successful?” I just want to talk about all of my feelings that I said I’ve been “building up”.
Grieving
It’s been a little over a year since my mom passed and 2 years since my friends have passed. It’s not something that I really give myself time to grieve about anymore. I forget that grief is never ending. I forget that its permanent and I will always feel it. I forget how much I’ve had to grow up because of it. I also grieved for my younger self. I grieved for myself a year ago. I grieved for my 15 year old self. I grieved for my 10 year old self. There has been so much to go on in my life, even when I was 10 that I’m not yet ready to share over social media, but it’s caused me to, in a way, lose my childhood. Then, the past couple years with so many people passing, it’s caused me to kinda grow up even more. Now I feel like I am almost hard on myself to see the bigger picture and be the person that is always understanding. I never give myself an inch to be selfish or greedy. I think that pours over into my feelings and emotions too. I can’t be selfish in grieving because other people are grieving too. But, it is okay to still grieve and be patient with myself. I also grieved my friends that I’ve grown apart from. A lot have gone to school or on missions. It’s a hard situations with that because they aren’t dead, yet the friendship is gone. So it’s hard to process my emotions with that. I’ve never been through a breakup, but I imagine it’s the same in a way. One second they are in your life all the time, then the next they aren’t. They didn’t die, but there’s still a hole in your life where they used to be. It’s been hard for me lately because I’ve become Christian and that’s caused a lot of friendships to end. It’s difficult because I’m sad over that, but I also know Jesus is better.
Feeling sorry for myself / insecurities
I don’t really talk about my insecurities over social media, but I’m just going to say it all. I struggle with peoples perceptions of me. I always get in my head of “what do they think” “what if they are annoyed of me” “what if Im being too clingy” and “they” is referring to my friends. I also struggle with body image and what I think of myself. My mind is a confusing place to be because I don’t think I’m ugly but I also don’t think I’m pretty. I know I make jokes a lot and talk about it all the time, but when I got my most recent haircut I got a lot of negative comments. People would DM me and tell me their thoughts. Very rarely was it nice. I’m not a big creator and I don’t get a lot of hate, so it actually was really hard for me. I know I shouldn’t let peoples opinions affect me, but its hard not to when I’m constantly hearing it. Personally, I don’t like the haircut either so it was like a double shot at me when people would say things about it. Now, I constantly look at old pictures and compare myself to how I used to look. I also have started to struggle with body image. I stopped working out and it has really affected my mindset. I honestly don’t think I’ve gained weight and its all in my head. I also know I’m not the tiniest person ever either. My mind is constantly going back and forth of, if I should eat or not, and when I do eat, whether I should feel bad or not. It will go through phases too. So some weeks I will think I overcame it then the next week I’m back to square one. Social media has also been hard because I’ve noticed myself getting my validation from it. So if videos and pictures don’t do well, that means I’m not good enough or cool enough.
Now with that said, these are not thoughts that I always have, but times where I let myself think every bad thought about myself. I also recognize that those those thoughts aren’t always mine or what I actually think about myself.
Im Failing In Life
I just moved. I have to pay bills. I have the worst spending habits. You can imagine how that goes. So, I get stressed about money. It’s hard when Im in LA where a lot of my friends that are my age are already successful. It’s hard to not compare. I think of all the ways I am not successful in my life. Social media, school, money, self image, religion. It’s easy to compare. Luckily I do know who I am. Even if it’s changing I have my core beliefs and standards.
Hope
Okay that was all very depressing. It’s things all of us feel at some point in our life. (Or most of us) It’s never talked about though. So this is just me doing a writing dump, but for you to read and take comfort in if needed. Life is so confusing and scary, but that’s the joy of it. I’m also so grateful for everything that has happened to me. It has allowed me to grow up and see the bigger picture. It allows me to be more compassionate towards people. There’s been so many times where I’m able to look back in my life and be proud of myself to see where I am today. I can know for the future, that I can go through these things and make it out okay. Life is so beautiful. People are so amazing. Think about it. So many people are going through these things and we would never have any idea unless we know them and talk to them. So just think about that every time you interact with someone. How are you going to affect them?
Religion
Now’s the part where I’m going to talk about how God makes it better for me. So if you don’t want to hear it, now’s the time to log off. But I would love if you stayed. I was feeling all these emotions and I got to a place where I needed God to take it from me. And it was cool because I needed him. But, I also wanted him. Jesus has become my best friend, but I lost sight of it this week. I got caught up in the world. I still talked about him with friends but I didn’t spend time with him. I didn’t hangout with him. I lost sight. And yes, it was only a week, but it was the longest week ever. It didn’t need to be though, God could’ve taken my load off and made my week easier earlier than today. Anyway, so I was sitting in my bed thinking about everything I could possibly think about. It’s like a black hole. Once I go a little into everything I’m feeling, I just get sucked into the rest and I can’t stop it. So I’m there, and after crying and realizing I can’t change the past, I asked God to take this load from me. I chose him. I chose him over friends. I chose him over comfort. I chose him over money. So, he needs to choose me. He needs to help me do what he wants me to do. And of course he did. He gave me peace. He gave me love. He has given me community. My life is completely changed because of him.
Thanks for listening to my journal dump, and listening to my mind.
Goodbye.
-PJ