Mental illness, grief, and everything sucky.

I’m no expert in depression. However, I have been affected by it. My dad struggled with it. It would be what would eventually lead to his death.

Mental illness is such a tricky and sensitive thing. a lot of people struggle with it, but a lot of people don’t know how to handle or talk about it. Not even the person with it, but the people around them. To me, it is similar in the way people treat grief. They try to avoid it, they are sacred of it. they get super awkward when you mention it. And they often do more harm than good when talking about it.

My dad battled with depression. Hewas an amazing human with a lot of flaws. His biggest competition was his own mind. It was working against him all the time. Telling him he wasn’t good enough, telling him it would never get better, telling him he was a horrible person. He always thought he was a dishonest person and the scum of the earth. He wasn’t. He was at times dishonest, he at times was very prideful. That’s the irony of it. He hated himself, but also thought he was right and better than everyone. How does that work? Typically insecurity and pride are the same thing. Someone who, to others never wants to admit their flaws, is highly insecure of them, and never wants anyone to find them out. So my dad would project sometimes, this self assured dominance that he was right and he was good. But underneath it was the opposite. Like I said before he hated himself. He didn’t know how to love himself. My love wasn’t enough for him. That’s one of the biggest things my parents taught me unintentionally. How important it is to love yourself. I saw they struggled with that, and I knew that was something that was super important for me.

My dad never had grace for himself. If he made a mistake that was it. That marked him as bad. Even when he would learn and grow it didn’t matter. That mistake still marked him. To him he was a failure, a bad dad, an uncaring person, selfish, not fun. To me he was my dad. He was the person that I loved my whole life. He taught me what love was. He allowed me to learn that. Love isn’t loving your friends or people you like. Love is loving someone that even when they hurt you, or can’t give you the same love you will still love them the same. Someone that might be hard to be around or you don’t always like. But someone that you get to love by choice every single day.

Since I moved to Belgium my dad missed me a lot. He always said he wants me to move back home. And I am, just a year too late. That was something that I struggled with when deciding to move. Is feeling guilty about that decision now that he’s not there. Love doesn’t always mean pleasing the other person or always giving your life up for them. My dad has struggled with depression for a long time and has been suicidal for a long time. I moved back home a while ago to be close to him again for a little bit. This time I couldn’t. I tried to bring light and happiness into his life. But his mind just wouldn’t let him see all the good. I remember when he visited me in Belgium he had one really good day. You could tell. He had joy on his face and was so much lighter. He wanted to go do things. He even admitted he didn’t remember the last time he felt like that.

Depression is something I hate. I hate it for taking my dad. I hate it for hurting people. But if you know someone with depression be kind with them. Be patient. It can be hard but it’s even harder for them. Just be there. Above everything else just prove to them no matter what, you will be there loving them. No matter if they are fun, or if they can do things with you or for you, whether they can be there for you emotionally, whether they can be happy. Just stick around. Prove to them they have someone. Someone to counter act everything their brain is telling them. That they aren’t worth anything, that no one would want to stay with them, no one wants to be around them, they make everything worse, everyone would be better off without them. Because you and I both know that’s not true. But if the person closest to you is your own self, and they are constantly telling you those things, how do you not start to believe those things.

My dad felt like that was always some major flaw within himself. He needed to be fixed. He tried everything, he has taken medication his whole life for it, went to shock therapy, went to a mental hospital, tried a bunch of different kinds of therapy, went and tried all the newest tests. There would be times when, sure it was better, but everyday was a fight for him. For the past 15 years he’s been suicidal. He fought against that everyday. He is the strongest person I know. I don’t know many people that would be able to do that. He didn’t need to be fixed. I wished for him to be happier but there wasn’t something wrong with him. I loved him just as he was. I would’ve taken a lifetime more of him just like that. He was always insecure that he wasn’t fun enough for me. He didn’t want to come visit me because he would be boring and not up for a lot. I told him I just wanted to be around him. Even if he didn’t wanna do anything with me except eat dinner with me every night, that would be more than enough.

For those with depression, you are not alone. Trust me. There are people that love you more than you can comprehend. And if you can’t believe that, believe them. Trust them. They probably want to understand and be there for you. I did. Lean on people. You don’t have to do it alone.

For those who grieve someone who died from suicide. It’s not your fault. I think it is mine sometimes. It’s so hard to not blame yourself. For all of the small things. If you just did one thing different. For living your life.

If I moved back to the states sooner would it have made him happier and able to hold on. If I could’ve convinced him to come live with me, I could’ve taken care of him. If I told him I loved him more. If I just did more. But I did everything I could. I have to force myself not to go down that road.

It’s okay to be angry. It’s such complicated situation. You’re sad for them, you feel guilty, but you’re also so angry. Angry that you weren’t worth it to them. That they didn’t love you enough to stay. That they couldn’t hold on for just a little longer. That they didn’t care about how it would affect you. That they thought you would be better off.  Just so angry. But then you feel guilty for getting angry because they were sad and they weren’t in a good headspace. And then guilty for all the same things before. And it’s a cycle. And grief, which is already complicated, becomes the much more complicated. You can’t just think about the good times you had with them, you have to analyze it. And at the end of the day it all just sucks.

It sucks that they left.

It sucks that you can’t talk to them anymore.

It sucks that they weren’t happy.

It sucks that you can’t do anything to change it.

It sucks that you couldn’t help more.

It sucks that no matter what, it wasn’t your fault.

It sucks that I don’t have a mom or a dad more.

It sucks that they both left me before I was 21.

Life sometimes just sucks.

But it gets better. Grief can be a beautiful thing. To grieve people means you have people to grieve. You have people you love. That’s what life is. Loving people so wholly, to the point that when they aren’t with you anymore, your heart breaks. You get so physically hurt and sad. It consumes you. Because they were such a huge spot in your life, even if you didn’t realize it. Now there is a hole in your life, in the shape of what they were. No one can ever perfectly fit into that whole again, because it was made just for them. You can meet new people and they can have new spots in your life, but that hole never goes away.

Be kind. If you have a friend who lost someone they love, text them. It can feel like people forget. Let them know you haven’t. If you know someone who struggles with mental illness, text them. Tell them you love them. Go be with them and do nothing. Just be there. If you’re someone who struggles with mental illness, let your friend be with you. Don’t push them away. Believe them when they tell you how great you are.

If you’re reading this, I love you. You are amazing and you’re worth it. Keep growing, keep learning, and above all keep loving. Love to your very fullest cause it’s such privilege to love people.

Happy mental health awareness month

Xx PJ